Poo Storys
From Issue #1

Anyone that knows me at all well will probably be well aware that I consider the word ‘Poo’ to be the best word in existence bar none. I’ve got the word written somewhere on most of my possessions and always grab the opportunity to write poo in the sand with stick, on scraps of paper, steamy windows and passing land mammals. There’s no kind of perversion behind this, I don’t ‘get off’ on the whole poo thing it’s just a funny word, try it now, just look up and say ‘poo’ to the person nearest to you, get a bemused smile? Having been a residential carer and clearing up poo for a few years probably didn’t help this scatological fixation, but it did help be start to find poo stories extremely funny. The collection here come from the many fine (and usually well toileted) users of the www.PunkNews.co.uk forum. Believe or not there were so many poo and piss stories on the forum that they won’t all fit on this page, so you’ll get the second instalment in the next issue! I did ask them all if I could nick their stories for Beat Motel and nobody answered me so I assume they don’t mind… Andrew Culture

Mr.Wrong
A while back I quite liked this girl. I was sitting next to her, trying to get all... you know, close and stuff. Anyway, just as I was homing in for the kill, I shit my pants. Literally. So I excused myself and spent about half an hour in ehr toilet spitting on toilet roll and desperately trying to wipe all the shit of the inside of my boxers. When I got back up stairs it was too late. SHe was getting off with some other prick. One of those "ooh I'm so cool I don't even shit my pants" kinda guys.

Cazzy
My ex and some peeps went to Sumatra with Team Challenge (the group who 2years later took me to Peru). I have heard stories of people hearing this cry of a wild animal ringing round the rainforest. When it was in fact poor Andrew, with a stomach bug, having shat himself.

Dropkick the Resistance
Every time I went on one of those log rides in theme parks, I used to piss my self 'cos I didn't think anybody would notice! hehe
Last one must've been a good 10 years ago, now.

Cluskov
I got very drunk for a my friends birthday a while back. Me and a manager from the tescos I work at were racing at downing lots of cocktails (never a good idea) Obviously I lost so i was made to drink a pint full of drinks that totalled 15 odd quid. Not sure how, but i downed it all. I finally got home (not sure how though) and went to bed. I woke up an hour later needing the toilet, not knowing where the toilet was I proceeded to piss down the stairs. Awesome fun.

+NESBO+ (yes I am a male lesbian)
At the last party my friends had I'd been drinking at the bar all evening, turned up drank a bottle of red and passed in someones bedroom. When I awoke loads of people had bundled in to the room to have a smoke. Anyways one thing led to another and after a few spliffs my bladder was bursting, but both toilets were locked, one with some couple fucking the other with some girl and her mate having a cry. So I went back up upstairs and took a piss out of the bedroom window only to hear femine yelp soon after the first drops had impacted on the ground below. I'd only gone and pissed on my mate emma!

Boz
In year 7, PE wearing all white shorts and t shirts and all that stuff, as the class was doing the bleep test (the pointless running back and forth with bleeps that get shorter in between - a fitness test thing.) a kid in our class decided to let out a cheeky fart, only he followed through as well with some nasty diarrohea.

Mr.Wrong
Back when I was 17, I got drunk on a 6th form trip to an ice rink. As I was taking off my boots for the last time a guy came over and told me not to skate anymore, and they promptly told the head (of year, not an isolated head), who in turn promptly phoned my parents and asked them to pick me up when we got back to the college. Anyway, I ran off as sooon as we got there with some girl and this gay guy who I later found out fancied me... but I just wanted to be friends with him cos he had cool hair.
On the way my dad caught up with me and asked where I was going. I told him I was going to stay over at a mates house and explain everything tomorrow. While I was speaking to him my bladder finally gave in, and on the middle of Plumstead common I pissed myself.
I was a little embarrassed about that, so didn't mention it, and ended up sleeping in this guys bed, with trousers still on.

Dagenham Dave
Me and my mates used to go to a big Hells Angels festival, the Kent Custom Bike Show.It was known for 2 things,being the biggest bike show in the world with attendances of 30,000 plus and also having the most vile and disgusting festival toilets ever!
After the bands had finished we were heading back to our tents when one of my mates decided he just had to have a crap and there weren't no way he was gonna try adding to the pyramid of poo that towered above every bog seat so he opted for some bushes.The bushes he found were on the bank of a small river that ran between the show site and the campsite quite close to the bridge that everyone had to cross.We were stood on the bridge as hundreds of people were crossing when we heard him cry out and everyone was treated to the sight of him squatting down with his strides round his ankles as his feet slid in the mud of the river bank and he shot out of the bushes and went straight into the river!!

Silver Badger
A few weeks ago one of my blockmates, Nat, had a male friend up from home for the night. We'd all been drinking, and were joking about something which caused him to laugh so hard he pissed himself. The rest of us laughed so hard there was nearly more than one incident of accidentally urination...He spent the rest of the night in Nat's underwear.

Joey_T
I once got food poisoning while on holiday in Spain, and it was particularly bad on the day I came home again. The day's activities included puking into a cup of coffee in that little corridior you walk along to get onto the plane, and making great use of the plane's sick bags. Anyway, obviously when the plane is landing, you can't get out of your seat, and so can't use the toilets. So, though I was feeling a bit off, I tried to hold everything in until we got inside the airport. I thought I was managing quite well, until the front wheels of the plane hit the run way, and I promptly shit myself. Luckily, my dad had anticipated this would happen, and had brought a change of boxers and shorts. Unluckily, I was wearing very light coloured shorts at the time, and had to tie a jumper round my waste to hide the, erm... mess.

Ronnie
In secondary school there was a party one saturday night in the hall near the school, me and my mates ben and muzz did loads of pills, adn suddenly muzz said he had to go do something important, me and ben followed him to the school where he did a huge shit outside the art room. next monday morning lots of confused kids were kicking the shit around wondering how a large dog managed to get into the school and shit on it over the weekend.

Dan t’man
following through when your drunk is the worst, you think its just a normal fart, then BAM, without warning your pants are solied

Explanatory Chris
Descovering a few years ago that my friend could make himself fart, we decided to see how many it was humanly possible to do in half a minute. So with an audience of around 5 people my friends proceeded to fart himself silly while everyone laughed their arses off. After acieveing around 27 or something he told us he was going to the toilet, and returned a few minutes with shit smudged undies to show off to us

Connor Business
I don't have any personal ones but I've got loads about my brother...
We went on a skiing holiday in switzerland a few years ago, good laugh, but my brother drank the tap water there and got diohrea (sp?). Basically it always hit at the worst possible times. Anyway he was determined to ski instead of stay at home for a couple of days to let it wear off, so basically he'd get bouts of really needing to shit at the top of slopes and stuff. So basically there were these little cabin restaurantss and if he was lucky enough he'd be able to run and shit in the toilets there. One time he managed to make it but the door was locked so he legged it in and was too late and shat all over the cubicle. My dad had to come in and clear it up (cos my brother was only 8 at the time and you can't get an 8 year old to clean a toilet can ya). But that was not the worst of it. The cabins were all over the place and one time he needed a shit and had to ski really fast down to the cabin but shat himself on the way down so he had to ski back to our resort thing with his salapets all shitty. We laughed, he didn't. Another time there was no cabin around anywhere so the only option was for him to run up onto the side of a ski-run and pull his pants down and have a shit there, in front of all the skiers. it must have been horrible for him, but me, my sister and my dad couldn;t help but crack up. Cruel? Oh yes. Funny? More so. Then on the way home he still had the bug and he kept vomiting out the window. We kept having to pull up ion the side of the motorway for him to shit and stuff...again, hilarious for us but he was crying his little eight-year-old eyes out. The rest of the way home he vomited out the window and scremed 'FUCKING SWISS! CUNTING WATER!' which was fucking hilarious.

Oli DbD
about 10 years ago me, my mum and aunt and cousins went to tenerife and rented a villa. one morning i woke up and went for a swim and when i got out the pool i was greeted by the sight of my 4 year old cousin with shit dripping down her leg and next thing i knew she started eating it!!

Ronnie
whenever i go to my mate harry's house in thatcham his dog shits on the floor cos its well old, well small, and for some reason is terrified of me (probably cos im a loud clumsy bastard and i tread on it alot) i got drunk at his house over xmas holidays, passed out on his sofa and woke up to find the dog had done a shit on my feet

Keerin
i was extrememly ill one night. i was pretty young, i think i was about 9 or something. anyway, i was taking a piss, naked, as you do... and i pooed on the floor at the same time as taking a piss. my dad came in to make sure i was ok (the docter told him i was suffering from delusional behaviour) and he seen my big pile of shit on the floor and nearly puked. i had to sit in the bath till my mum came home from the bingo.

Mafro
One of my mates does a pub crawl of maidstone every summer for his birthday. Its a brilliant day, and everyone ends up very trashed. We all go back to the pub we originally started out in for a lockin, where we all pass out of the bar etc… Well on the walk home a couple of years ago, we passed a very posh sports car. I took my strides down, and climes up on the bonnet of the car, and attempted to curl one out on the bonnet. Unfortunalty I didnt need a poo, but did piss all over his car.

Rich - Edd Blamer
The only piss story i can think of is when i was about five and, upon leaving my bedroom, there were 2 left turnings. The first was my brother's room, the second was the bathroom. On one occasion my normally boyishly undisturbed sleep pattern was interrupted by the thought that i needed a piss. Being a sleepy little chap i took the first left i came across and relieved my bladder like any normal child. My brother was none too impressed as he had been awoken from his peaceful slumber by a stream of my urine. When asked why i had walked into his room at 3am and started pissing on him while he was in bed i could only muster a sheepish "mrgmpf...bathroom" and felt rather silly about the whole endeavour

Explanatory Chris
When my brother was still wearing nappy's he had just about developed the ability to think for himself, so in his infinate wisdom he taught himself how to undo his nappys. And i will always remeber my mothers face when one day she walked into his bedroom and was greeted by the sight of a little re-decorating my brother had done, yes he had smeared his shite on the walls all around the room.

Smear-er
at reading everyone shitting in pizza boxes then when people walk past distracting them by saying like 'you alright mate' and funniest was wen bungle shat out the runniest orrible-est shit and sum woman in FLIP FLOPS trod in it and it splatterd all up her leg and all over her feet propa rank.Also everyone pissing into a super soaker and spraying people as they walked past and a random kid that thought it was water saying 'in my mouth'..........SAVAGE